Rethinking בירכת הבנים והבנות in shul (Rabbi David Chapman)

In countless Jewish homes, on Shabbat and Festival evenings, families engage in the custom of birkat habanim (also known as birkat yeledim), the Blessing of the Child. While there are many variations of the ritual, the traditional text of the blessing remains the same. After a preamble based on Jacob's deathbed blessing for his grandchildren Ephraim and Manasseh (with a variation for daughters, discussed below), the parent then recites the threefold blessing also known as birkat kohanim, the Priestly Blessing. Often the parent lays hands on the child's head, mirroring the priestly gesture.

While the words of this blessing have Biblical (or even pre-Biblical) origins, its association with Shabbat and Yom Tov is much more recent. There is no specific mitzvah (biblical or rabbinic) to bless one's child on Shabbat. However, the practice is described in many early modern siddurim, such as Rabbi Jacob Emden's Siddur Ya'abetz published in the mid-18th century. More recently, a version for daughters has emerged that cites the matriarchs Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel, and Leah in place of Ephraim and Manasseh.

The blessing is included in Siddur Lev Shalem, the Conservative Movement's most recent prayer book. While it is in the "Shabbat and Festivals at Home" section, some communities incorporate it into the Kabbalat Shabbat / Ma'ariv synagogue service.

In the Biblical antecedent, Jacob blesses Joseph's sons Ephraim and Manasseh, who will become the namesakes of two of the twelve tribes. Jacob's blessing expresses the hope that his grandsons will become blessings themselves.

Many explanations have been offered for how Ephraim and Manasseh became the "gold standard" for male children. Among these explanations: 1) Ephraim and Manasseh were the Torah's first brothers with a wholly loving relationship (frankly, a low bar has been set -- see, Cain and Abel, Joseph and his brothers, etc); and 2) Having been raised in Egypt but maintaining a strong connection to B'nei Yisrael, Ephraim and Manasseh embody an unbreakable bond to one's Jewishness despite one's surroundings.

We don't know the provenance of this version for daughters. Why mention the matriarchs here? Sure, all four Biblical women have positive attributes that one might want their daughters to emulate. However, the "Imahot" are not a discrete "group" in the Torah, nor are they ever mentioned together, as Ephraim and Manasseh are. Adding to the mystery, why are only two names mentioned in the blessing for sons, but four for daughters?

When seen through a contemporary lens, these blessings raise more questions. In a movement committed to egalitarianism as a norm, we must be ready to justify any ritual or liturgical differences based on gender. This is why Conservative siddurim have done away with the gender-specific lines in Birkot HaShachar (the Morning Blessings) for decades. A blessing thanking God for not making one a woman (she'lo asani isha) has no place in a community that sees men and woman as equal in God's eyes.

While a separate blessing for daughters based on the matriarchs is certainly less pejorative, it is no more logical. As a parent, I don't want my male child to exclusively emulate male role models. When we play Paw Patrol, I'm thrilled when he asks to be Everest or Skye (the girl pups). So why would I only want him to see Ephraim and Manasseh as valid sources of blessing, rather than (also) Sarah, Rebecca, etc.?

"Blessing for Children" from The Book of Blessings by Marcia Falk (1996)

Female

______________לַבַּת

הֲיִי אֲשֶׁר תִּהְיִי וַהֲיִי בְּרוּכָה בַּאֲשֶׁר תִּהְיִי

_______________ (her name),

Hayi asher tihyi –
vahayi berukhah
ba’asher tihyi.

Be who you are –
and may you be blessed
in all that you are.

Male:

____________לַבֵּן

הֱיֵה אֲשֶׁר תִּהְיֶה וֶהֱיֵה בָּרוּךְ בַּאֲשֶׁר תִּהְיֶה

________________ (his name),

Heyeyh asher tihyeh –
veheyeyh barukh
ba’asher tihyeh.

Be who you are –
and may you be blessed
in all that you are.

The liturgist Marica Falk created her own Blessing for Children that responds to a broader challenge some contemporary parents face. Why should we be asking God to make our children like anyone else, regardless of gender. In a much more 21st-Century parenting approach, Falk's blessing simply asks for one's children to "be who they are" and for that itself to be a blessing. Falk's blessings still differentiate between sons and daughters, but this is simply to accommodate the Hebrew grammar. The intention of the two versions are the same.

On a personal note, I find Falk's version much more meaningful, and often use this at our own Friday night table.

When the Birkat HaBanim is recited publicly, folded into the synagogue service, these issues can coalesce into awkward situations.

Which blessing should the parent choose if the child is transitioning genders, or if the child identifies as neither male nor female? What if this is a source of conflict within the family?

What should attendees with no children present (or no children at all) do during this public/private family moment? What about children in the process of mourning their parents (or vice-versa God forbid)?

Should the blessing for sons always come first (as it is written in the Siddur), and if so, what message does this send?

How can parents who are unfamiliar with the blessing's origins and meaning enter into this ritual?

from Entering Jewish Prayer by Reuven Hammer (1993)

When there are no children to be blessed, some have the custom of offering the Priestly Blessing to one another at this time... [paraphrased]

As a rabbi, I know that I can never completely avoid situations where a congregant feels uncomfortable or alienated during a service. However, I have a responsibility to minimize the potential for those moments as much as possible. Including the Blessing of the Children as part of a public worship service seems like a good way to invite discomfort. But on the other hand, many families who come to synagogue on Friday nights do not have any other Shabbat rituals besides the service. So if we omit it (especially when it has been a longstanding custom), we are "taking away" a meaningful component of Shabbat for many families. (Furthermore, as I am not going to be with this shul long-term, I don't feel comfortable making big changes in the service order.)

After workshopping this challenge within my Gender & Torah Fellowship small group, I piloted a different way of introducing the moment during the service. Rather than taking it away completely, I leaned into Reuven Hammer's comment (included as a margin note in Lev Shalem) that this blessing can be offered to one another when children aren't present.

I invite attendees to offer the blessing to their children if they are present, or, if not, then to their friends or chosen family. If anyone is there alone, I invite them to close their eyes and imagine someone they would like to bless. I make it clear that anyone can offer either blessing to any person, despite their traditional gender assignments. And finally, inspired by Marcia Falk, I alter the English translations. Rather than "May God make you like X," I say, "May God grant you the blessings of X." This is not quite as openminded as Falk, but it is a step towards that direction.

"... and thank you, for always making the blessing of the children about all kinds of families. As one of my favorite parts of the service, it makes it even more special."

Excerpt from an email sent by a congregant who doesn't have children.