author's note
this sheet used to be called "sometimes you are just frum and asexual and you make a source sheet about it". i no longer identify exactly/cleanly with this label but i wanted to leave the source sheet up in case it is useful to anyone else.
"You know, vampires have no reflections in a mirror? There's this idea that monsters don't have reflections in a mirror. And what I've always thought isn't that monsters don't have reflections in a mirror. It's that if you want to make a human being into a monster, deny them, at the cultural level, any reflection of themselves. And growing up, I felt like a monster in some ways. I didn't see myself reflected at all. I was like, 'Yo, is something wrong with me? That the whole society seems to think that people like me don't exist?' And part of what inspired me, was this deep desire that before I died, I would make a couple of mirrors. That I would make some mirrors so that kids like me might seem themselves reflected back and might not feel so monstrous for it."
-- Junot Díaz
(ל) וַיִּדַּ֨ר יִפְתָּ֥ח נֶ֛דֶר לַיהוָ֖ה וַיֹּאמַ֑ר אִם־נָת֥וֹן תִּתֵּ֛ן אֶת־בְּנֵ֥י עַמּ֖וֹן בְּיָדִֽי׃ (לא) וְהָיָ֣ה הַיּוֹצֵ֗א אֲשֶׁ֨ר יֵצֵ֜א מִדַּלְתֵ֤י בֵיתִי֙ לִקְרָאתִ֔י בְּשׁוּבִ֥י בְשָׁל֖וֹם מִבְּנֵ֣י עַמּ֑וֹן וְהָיָה֙ לַֽיהוָ֔ה וְהַעֲלִיתִ֖הוּ עוֹלָֽה׃ (פ) (לב) וַיַּעֲבֹ֥ר יִפְתָּ֛ח אֶל־בְּנֵ֥י עַמּ֖וֹן לְהִלָּ֣חֶם בָּ֑ם וַיִתְּנֵ֥ם יְהוָ֖ה בְּיָדֽוֹ׃ (לג) וַיַּכֵּ֡ם מֵעֲרוֹעֵר֩ וְעַד־בּוֹאֲךָ֨ מִנִּ֜ית עֶשְׂרִ֣ים עִ֗יר וְעַד֙ אָבֵ֣ל כְּרָמִ֔ים מַכָּ֖ה גְּדוֹלָ֣ה מְאֹ֑ד וַיִּכָּֽנְעוּ֙ בְּנֵ֣י עַמּ֔וֹן מִפְּנֵ֖י בְּנֵ֥י יִשְׂרָאֵֽל׃ (פ) (לד) וַיָּבֹ֨א יִפְתָּ֣ח הַמִּצְפָּה֮ אֶל־בֵּיתוֹ֒ וְהִנֵּ֤ה בִתּוֹ֙ יֹצֵ֣את לִקְרָאת֔וֹ בְתֻפִּ֖ים וּבִמְחֹל֑וֹת וְרַק֙ הִ֣יא יְחִידָ֔ה אֵֽין־ל֥וֹ מִמֶּ֛נּוּ בֵּ֖ן אוֹ־בַֽת׃ (לה) וַיְהִי֩ כִרְאוֹת֨וֹ אוֹתָ֜הּ וַיִּקְרַ֣ע אֶת־בְּגָדָ֗יו וַיֹּ֙אמֶר֙ אֲהָ֤הּ בִּתִּי֙ הַכְרֵ֣עַ הִכְרַעְתִּ֔נִי וְאַ֖תְּ הָיִ֣יתְ בְּעֹֽכְרָ֑י וְאָנֹכִ֗י פָּצִ֤יתִי־פִי֙ אֶל־יְהוָ֔ה וְלֹ֥א אוּכַ֖ל לָשֽׁוּב׃ (לו) וַתֹּ֣אמֶר אֵלָ֗יו אָבִי֙ פָּצִ֤יתָה אֶת־פִּ֙יךָ֙ אֶל־יְהוָ֔ה עֲשֵׂ֣ה לִ֔י כַּאֲשֶׁ֖ר יָצָ֣א מִפִּ֑יךָ אַחֲרֵ֡י אֲשֶׁ֣ר עָשָׂה֩ לְךָ֙ יְהוָ֧ה נְקָמ֛וֹת מֵאֹיְבֶ֖יךָ מִבְּנֵ֥י עַמּֽוֹן׃ (לז) וַתֹּ֙אמֶר֙ אֶל־אָבִ֔יהָ יֵעָ֥שֶׂה לִּ֖י הַדָּבָ֣ר הַזֶּ֑ה הַרְפֵּ֨ה מִמֶּ֜נִּי שְׁנַ֣יִם חֳדָשִׁ֗ים וְאֵֽלְכָה֙ וְיָרַדְתִּ֣י עַל־הֶֽהָרִ֔ים וְאֶבְכֶּה֙ עַל־בְּתוּלַ֔י אָנֹכִ֖י ורעיתי [וְרֵעוֹתָֽי׃] (לח) וַיֹּ֣אמֶר לֵ֔כִי וַיִּשְׁלַ֥ח אוֹתָ֖הּ שְׁנֵ֣י חֳדָשִׁ֑ים וַתֵּ֤לֶךְ הִיא֙ וְרֵ֣עוֹתֶ֔יהָ וַתֵּ֥בְךְּ עַל־בְּתוּלֶ֖יהָ עַל־הֶהָרִֽים׃ (לט) וַיְהִ֞י מִקֵּ֣ץ ׀ שְׁנַ֣יִם חֳדָשִׁ֗ים וַתָּ֙שָׁב֙ אֶל־אָבִ֔יהָ וַיַּ֣עַשׂ לָ֔הּ אֶת־נִדְר֖וֹ אֲשֶׁ֣ר נָדָ֑ר וְהִיא֙ לֹא־יָדְעָ֣ה אִ֔ישׁ וַתְּהִי־חֹ֖ק בְּיִשְׂרָאֵֽל׃ (מ) מִיָּמִ֣ים ׀ יָמִ֗ימָה תֵּלַ֙כְנָה֙ בְּנ֣וֹת יִשְׂרָאֵ֔ל לְתַנּ֕וֹת לְבַת־יִפְתָּ֖ח הַגִּלְעָדִ֑י אַרְבַּ֥עַת יָמִ֖ים בַּשָּׁנָֽה׃ (ס)
(30) And Jephthah made the following vow to the LORD: “If you deliver the Ammonites into my hands, (31) then whatever comes out of the door of my house to meet me on my safe return from the Ammonites shall be the LORD’s and shall be offered by me as a burnt offering.” (32) Jephthah crossed over to the Ammonites and attacked them, and the LORD delivered them into his hands. (33) He utterly routed them—from Aroer as far as Minnith, twenty towns—all the way to Abel-cheramim. So the Ammonites submitted to the Israelites. (34) When Jephthah arrived at his home in Mizpah, there was his daughter coming out to meet him, with timbrel and dance! She was an only child; he had no other son or daughter. (35) On seeing her, he rent his clothes and said, “Alas, daughter! You have brought me low; you have become my troubler! For I have uttered a vow to the LORD and I cannot retract.” (36) “Father,” she said, “you have uttered a vow to the LORD; do to me as you have vowed, seeing that the LORD has vindicated you against your enemies, the Ammonites.” (37) She further said to her father, “Let this be done for me: let me be for two months, and I will go with my companions and lament upon the hills and there bewail my maidenhood.” (38) “Go,” he replied. He let her go for two months, and she and her companions went and bewailed her maidenhood upon the hills. (39) After two months’ time, she returned to her father, and he did to her as he had vowed. She had never known a man. So it became a custom in Israel (40) for the maidens of Israel to go every year, for four days in the year, and chant dirges for the daughter of Jephthah the Gileadite.
(א) ויעש לה וגו׳. הפרישה מבני אדם לשבת בדודה עוסקת בעבודת ה׳, ורבותינו זכרונם לברכה אמרו (תענית ד א) שנדר להקריב עולה את כל היוצא וכו׳, וכן עשה נדרו:
(ב) והיא לא ידעה איש. רצה לומר, כאשר נדר, כן עשה, והיתה פרושה מאיש:
(1) And he did to her [as he had vowed]. She separated from human company to live alone, busy with the worship of God. And our teachers of blessed memory have said (Ta'anit 4a) that he vowed to sacrifice as a burnt offering all that came out of his house, and so he performed his vow.
(2) And she had not known a man It wishes to say, as he had vowed, so she had done, and she had separated from men.
The idea that bat Yiftach has a life of holy celibacy and of women's community, of relation to but apartness from the wider community, feels very important to me in my identity as someone who likely won't engage with the Jewish community from the structure of a sexual-biological nuclear family. The idea that space was delineated for me by Sefer Shoftim and by Rabbi David Kimchi, hundreds and hundreds of years before my birth, is incredibly validating.
The dark-and-perhaps-truer read of this text, when I take off my Find A Home glasses: Yiftach controls either his daughter's sexuality or her life. No-one can or will help her, except to wail.
תניא רבי אליעזר אומר כל מי שאין עוסק בפריה ורביה כאילו שופך דמים שנאמר (בראשית ט, ו) שופך דם האדם באדם דמו ישפך וכתיב בתריה ואתם פרו ורבו רבי יעקב אומר כאילו ממעט הדמות שנאמר (בראשית ט, ו) כי בצלם אלהים עשה את האדם וכתיב בתריה ואתם פרו וגו' בן עזאי אומר כאילו שופך דמים וממעט הדמות שנאמר ואתם פרו ורבו אמרו לו לבן עזאי יש נאה דורש ונאה מקיים נאה מקיים ואין נאה דורש ואתה נאה דורש ואין נאה מקיים אמר להן בן עזאי ומה אעשה שנפשי חשקה בתורה אפשר לעולם שיתקיים על ידי אחרים
It is taught in a baraita that Rabbi Eliezer says: Anyone who does not engage in the mitzva to be fruitful and multiply is considered as though he sheds blood, as it is stated: “Whoever sheds the blood of man, by man shall his blood be shed” (Genesis 9:6), and it is written immediately afterward: “And you, be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 9:7). Rabbi Ya’akov says: It is as though he diminishes the Divine Image, as it is stated: “For in the image of God He made man” (Genesis 9:6), and it is written immediately afterward: “And you, be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 9:7). Ben Azzai says: It is as though he sheds blood and also diminishes the Divine Image, as it is stated: “And you, be fruitful and multiply,” after the verse that alludes to both shedding blood and the Divine Image. They said to ben Azzai: There is a type of scholar who expounds well and fulfills his own teachings well, and another who fulfills well and does not expound well. But you, who have never married, expound well on the importance of procreation, and yet you do not fulfill well your own teachings. Ben Azzai said to them: What shall I do, as my soul yearns for Torah, and I do not wish to deal with anything else. It is possible for the world to be maintained by others, who are engaged in the mitzva to be fruitful and multiply.
רַב גִּידֵּל הֲוָה רְגִיל דַּהֲוָה קָא אָזֵיל וְיָתֵיב אַשַּׁעֲרֵי דִטְבִילָה. אֲמַר לְהוּ: הָכִי טְבִילוּ וְהָכִי טְבִילוּ. אָמְרִי לֵיהּ רַבָּנַן לָא קָא מִסְתְּפֵי מָר מִיֵּצֶר הָרָע? אֲמַר לְהוּ: דָּמְיָין בְּאַפַּאי כִּי קָאקֵי חִיוָּרֵי.
It was also related about the earlier generations, that they would degrade themselves in the desire to glorify God. Rav Giddel was accustomed to go and sit at the gates of the women’s immersion sites. He said to them: Immerse yourselves in this way, and immerse yourselves in that way. The Sages said to him: Master, do you not fear the evil inclination? He said to them: In my eyes, they are comparable to white geese.
רב אחא מרכיב לה אכתפיה ומרקד אמרי ליה רבנן אנן מהו למיעבד הכי אמר להו אי דמיין עלייכו ככשורא לחיי ואי לא לא
Rav Aḥa would place the bride on his shoulders and dance. The Sages said to him: What is the ruling? Is it permitted for us to do so as well? He said to them: If brides are comparable for you to a beam, fine, but if not, no, you may not.
These rabbis' comfort in not being sexually attracted to women, even as they recognise that other men in their situation might do so, again feels very comforting (it's not a disease, it's just a fact of their experience! That they can name! To other people!). The fact that this internal experience has a nafka mina, a practical effect on halacha, feels nothing short of incredible.
The dark-and-perhaps-truer read of this text, when I take off my Find A Home glasses: This is a text about holy people not feeling lust, and it doesn't take into account any women's experiences (maybe the bride is attracted to Rav Acha and would rather he not be so close? maybe the mikvah-goers feel scared, their space invaded by Rabbi Yochanan, worried about what he could do?)
והעליתיהו עולה.
- ...הוי"ו במקום או ופירש "והיה לה' הקדש [...] או העליתיהו עולה" [...] ויפה פי'
- וכן נראה מהפסוק כי לא המיתה שאמר "ואבכה על נפשי" לאות כי לא המיתה אך "לא ידעה איש" כמו שאמר "והיא לא ידעה איש"
- ומה שאמר גם כן ויעש לה את נדרו אשר נדר ולא אמר ויעלה עולה לאות
- כי פרושה היתה וזהו את נדרו אשר נדר והיה להשם
כך נראה לפי פשטי הפסוקים ...
Shall be offered by me as an offering
- ... "Or" and "And" are indicated by the same word in Hebrew, and therefore it's possible to read the verse [instead of "whatever comes out of the door of my house [...] shall be the LORD’s and shall be offered by me as a burnt offering.”] as "shall be the LORD's or it shall be offered by me as a burnt offering" ["shall be the LORD's" just meaning that no-one else can benefit from it.]
- It seems from this that Jephthah does not kill his daughter, because the verse would say "And I will weep for my life" -- rather, [she will weep] that she has not known a man [the verse in fact says "I will weep for my maidenhood" (Judges 11:37)].
- It also says, "he did to her as he had vowed to do" (Judges 11:39) -- it does not say "He offered her as a burnt offering."
- This shows us that she was celibate/separated, and this is what he had vowed -- that she should be for God.
This seems to me to be according to the plain meaning of the verses ...