Illustration Credit: Elad Lifshitz, Dov Abramson Studio
Halakhah הֲלָכָה
Our parashah asks us to stand up for what’s right. In the פַּרְשָׁנוּת/Commentary discussion, we looked at the requirement to get involved, and do whatever we can, when someone else is in danger.
Another mitzvah in our parashah that expresses this value is תּוֹכָחָה (tokhahah). This is often translated as “rebuke,” which means to express disapproval.
לֹֽא־תִשְׂנָ֥א אֶת־אָחִ֖יךָ בִּלְבָבֶ֑ךָ
הוֹכֵ֤חַ תּוֹכִ֙יחַ֙ אֶת־עֲמִיתֶ֔ךָ
וְלֹא־תִשָּׂ֥א עָלָ֖יו חֵֽטְא׃
You shall not hate your brother in your heart.
You shall surely rebuke your friend,
and you shall not bear a sin because of them.
All tokhahah has to be given in a healthy and constructive way!
Based on the final line of the pasuk, the Gemara teaches that you are only allowed to give tokhahah that will help the other person, and your rebuke can’t embarrass them or make them feel bad. Tokhahah is meant to increase love and peace; if your words of warning will not generate love, don’t say them (Arakhin 16b).
The Hazon Ish teaches that in today's day and age, words of love and support are more effective than harsh criticism (Yoreh Deah 2 n. 16). Here are some tokhahah tips:
- Speak softly and gently. Tone matters.
- Ask questions and don’t be too confident that you know the whole story.
- Make your comment about the specific behavior, never about the person.
- Make eye contact and do anything else you can to show that you really care about and respect the person you are speaking to.
- Before doing anything, ask yourself if you are going to have a positive impact with your words.
Want to practice? Here are some scenarios you can think about, or discuss with others. For each, consider whether it’s a good idea to give tokhahah at all. If yes, what would be the most helpful and kind way to say it?
- Your friend is climbing a ladder that seems rickety and unstable.
- Your sibling is taking a cookie and you know your parents don’t want them to.
- Your classmate is teasing another classmate.
- Someone around you is not following a rule that you learned about in a Devash Halakhah section.
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