Hi David!
I have a question for you... We have Shabbat dinner at our house every Friday night that features challah, grape juice and a large celebratory meal. Typically, we host all sorts of people, many of whom are not Jewish. As of now, we sing the traditional blessings for the candles, grape juice and challah before digging into the main meal. But, I would love to include other festive rituals throughout the evening.
How does your family bring in Shabbat? Are there any songs/prayers that you include besides the standard trio?
Hi!
I’m so glad you both do this and asked about doing more! I have a few thoughts in order of priority:
1. Blessing children - You might already do this and/or know about it, but there is a custom of blessing our children between candles and Kiddush. You can do the traditional words, make up your own message, or both. Here’s a really good explanation, including the words:
https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/blessing-the-children/ . My wife and I both bless our child at the same time. If she’s in a good mood we’ll put our hands on her head and give her a kiss. If she’s not, we’ll do both from a distance. If you don’t know the words yet but want to do the traditional words, it’s OK to read them — you are modeling that you are continuing to learn and grow Jewishly. With your guests, you can encourage them to bless their children, present or not (my mom blesses me every Friday night by “v-mail” (vibe mail) and my dad calls me every Friday with a blessing). If they don’t have children, this can be a time for partnered people to bless each other, or, if you have singles one week, for everybody to put hands on the people next to them and do a group blessing.
2. During the meal, have everybody say something good that happened that week or something they are thankful for. If you are doing introductions anyway, this can be slipped in there, or it can happen just with the 4 of you.
3. Once you’ve done the first 2 things and you’re ready to take on something else, you can try adding Birkat Hamazon (Grace After Meals) a bit at a time. Here’s the words and a recording for the “short” version:
https://reformjudaism.org/beliefs-practices/prayers-blessings/daily-blessings-birkat-hamazon-grace-after-meals-short-version . The first part, which goes back and forth, is only done when you have 3 adult Jews, so unless you have 3 adult Jews at your meal who can carry it, I would skip that part and go straight for the first paragraph. This paragraph is what your kid did at camp every day after lunch, so it should sound familiar to him, whether or not he can lead it on his own yet. Once the 3 of you are strongly comfortable with that paragraph, then I would add in one paragraph at a time.
4. Possibly doing this after you have mastered the first paragraph of Birkat and before you go on to the rest, the next thing to consider is “Shalom Aleichem”. This prayer is ostensibly about welcoming the 2 angels that are said to accompany us on Shabbat. Rabbi Les Bronstein talks about guests as being our angels (probably because in Genesis Abraham welcomed guests who turned out to be angels). Here are the words and a recording of the most common tune:
https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/shalom-aleichem/
5. The penultimate suggestion would be to add other long or short songs. There’s a canon called “Z’mirot” (“songs”), and if you wanted to try one I would suggest “D’ror Yikra”, often done to “The Sloop John B” by The Beach Boys (see here for the words: https://www.zemirotdatabase.org/view_song.php?id=53#rec ; see here for the tune: https://youtu.be/5HcMdjOpGJQ). Good shorter songs would be “Hinei Ma Tov” since it’s about how great it is to be together (video with lyrics here: https://youtu.be/ehnKHhJ26pQ - only through 0:46) and “Oseh Shalom” since it’s about peace (video with lyrics here: https://youtu.be/-ODQuc6PzVk - only through 1:31, and skip the repeat at 0:27-0:43). You could also do other non-Jewish songs about making the world a better place.
6. My last suggestion is trying “The Torah Game” before dessert. This is where you come up with a game or discussion that somehow connects to the weekly parasha. MyJewishLearning.com has a summary each week if you scroll down. Games can include acting things out, like bringing down stuffed animals to reenact Noah’s Ark (or sorting them by kosher and treif), or interviewing characters (“Moses, how did you feel when you saw the Golden Calf?”). Guests can participate too.
7. A few other thoughts:
A. It is super-useful to have the words both for yourself and for your guests. You can make packets, or you can buy little books called “benchers” or “Birkonim”(“bench” is Yiddish for “bless”, and “Birkat Hamazon” is also called “Benching”). I particularly like the bencher called “B’kol Echad” because it has transliteration that matches how the words are actually pronounced by most people; you can buy a set here (one for every person that you think you might host so that everybody is literally on the same page):
https://haggadahsrus.com/product/bkol-echad-%C2%97-all-white-cover/
B. It might be fun for your kid to make place setting cards, assuming that it works with how Friday after-school goes in your family. It can make Shabbat more special and give him agency in deciding where the guests sit (with input from you, if necessary). He can also help set the table and/or cook (or help with challah). If you don’t have one, a child-friendly challah cover can be made with fabric markers and a square of white fabric.
C. Friday evening can be prime-time for meltdowns, particularly if it feels stressful and/or if your child has been holding it together all week. Think about what’s non-negotiable for your family and what you can let go (our priorities are candles, child blessing, Kiddush, and Motzi, if it helps).
D. Discussion cards can be a fun thing to do with guests or at home. Here’s one example:
https://www.amazon.com/The-Box-Girls-SB104-Questions/dp/B0015XM6T4
E. You can play Shabbat music as you prepare for dinner and/or go to shul on Friday evening (though not with guests coming). Here’s a good set of songs:
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL3f6jIhuKP_vZn9XR0I1UtPDjH1VTgd5Y
F. Read specifically Jewish stories (like PJ Library) on Friday night for bedtime. You can also tell or read a Jewish folktale at dinner before dessert.
So, lots of ways to take your Shabbat dinner experience to the next level! I’m happy to provide clarification or more guidance on this or other things as you want it.
Take care,
David