Messing around (לְצַ֥חֶק) with Va-Yeshev: Drash for Adas Minyan, 2nd day of Hanukkah 5783

(7) After a time, his master’s wife cast her eyes upon Joseph and said, “Lie with me.” (8) But he refused. He said to his master’s wife, “Look, with me here, my master gives no thought to anything in this house, and all that he owns he has placed in my hands. (9) He wields no more authority in this house than I, and he has withheld nothing from me except yourself, since you are his wife. How then could I do this most wicked thing, and sin before God?” (10) And much as she coaxed Joseph day after day, he did not yield to her request to lie beside her, to be with her. (11) One such day, he came into the house to do his work. None of the household being there inside, (12) she caught hold of him by his garment and said, “Lie with me!” But he left his garment in her hand and got away and fled outside. (13) When she saw that he had left it in her hand and had fled outside, (14) she called out to her servants and said to them, “Look, he had to bring us a Hebrew to dally with us! This one came to lie with me; but I screamed loud. (15) And when he heard me screaming at the top of my voice, he left his garment with me and got away and fled outside.” (16) She kept his garment beside her, until his master came home. (17) Then she told him the same story, saying, “The Hebrew slave whom you brought into our house came to me to dally with me; (18) but when I screamed at the top of my voice, he left his garment with me and fled outside.” (19) When his master heard the story that his wife told him, namely, “Thus and so your slave did to me,” he was furious. (20) So Joseph’s master had him put in prison, where the king’s prisoners were confined. But even while he was there in prison, (21) יהוה was with Joseph—extending kindness to him and disposing the chief jailer favorably toward him.

It's possible interpret this passage in accordance with what ch"zl say: that she saw in the stars (astrology) that she would have children from him. But she didn't know this would happen from her daughter [Asnat, her daughter or possibly step-daughter]. Thus what's written: "Say, lay with me". In other words, you should say to me, "lay with me", because she saw in the stars that it would be necessary for him to lay with her, having seen that she would have children from him, and thinking it was she herself that was being referred to.

Alternatively, it's possible to say according to the rabbinic interpretation of the verse (Br 2:16), "And ha-Shem commanded the earthling, saying: Of every tree of the garden you may freely eat", to derive the seven Noachide commandments (Sanhedrin 56b). They interpret this [the word "leimor", present in both verses] as forbidden sexual relations. Thus she is saying to him that he shouldn't be concerned about betraying his master [Potiphar, who is known midrashically to be a eunich] by lying with her, because she has already been free with others, and already defiled herself many times -- what's happened has happened, what difference would adding another ["yosif"] if he were to lay with her. This is why the verse has the word "leimor", that she has already transgressed against the "leimor" that is the basis for forbidden sexual relations and has defiled herself with others. And if so, "lie with me". But he did not heed her to lie by her, or even to be with her, despite her having been defiled, for whoever proceeds in the future will not be acquitted.

One could furthermore say that it's possible she wanted him to agree, that he should promise to lie with her, if she converted, and clothed herself in his clothes in order to conduct herself in his religion. Thus the verse is written, "she grabbed him by his garment", in other words, that she seized it; that if he refused to lay with a non-Jew, she would cloth herself in the clothing of a Jew, so that he would promise her, to lie with her. Thus "she grabbed him by his garment", that she would cloth herself in his garment, his conduct, his religion, as one wraps oneself in clothing [pun: in faithlessness]. Thus she wanted him to promise her. And thus the verse, "Say: 'lie with me', that he should say to her that he would lie with her. But he wouldn't listen to her, to lie with her as a non-Jew in order to with her once she converted. Because such a conversion would not have been l'shem shamayim / for a holy purpose, rather only for the sake of licentiousness.

And Joseph was eighteen years of age, ‎a youth of beautiful eyes and pleasant appearance, and there was not his like in the whole ‎land of Egypt. At that time when Joseph was in his master's house, coming in and going out ‎and attending to his master's affairs, Zulycah, his master's wife, lifted up her eyes unto Joseph, ‎and she beheld his comely appearance, and his beauty tempted her heart. And her soul ‎became attached unto Joseph, and she beguiled him and persuaded him day after day, but he ‎would not lift up his eyes to look at his master's wife. And Zulycah said unto him: How comely ‎is thy appearance and how graceful thy figure. Verily I have looked at all the servants, but I ‎could not find one as fair as thou art. And Joseph replied unto her: He who hath created me ‎hath created likewise all the sons of man. And she said unto him: How beautiful are those eyes ‎of thine and thou hast captivated with them all the inhabitants of Egypt, men and women ‎alike. And he said unto her: Verily they are beautiful while alive, but if thou wert to see them ‎in the grave thou wouldst tremble before them. And she continued: How pleasant and sweet ‎are thy words, do take the harp which is in the house and play with thy hands and let us hear ‎thy voice. And Joseph said: How pleasant and sweet are my words when I sing the praises and ‎the glory of my Lord.‎

And I will give you... your food, clothing and needs and to live with you in the manner of the whole world.

The Torah's reference to "onah" [Shmot 21:10] refers to a man's obligation to his wife [in the context of a binary heterosexual marriage]. This obligation isn't the same for everyone. Rather, the Torah passed along the issue to the rabbis, to differentiate for each person according to their profession, so the woman will be satisfied with this. It is prohibited to annul the Onah obligation, even during pregnancy or while breastfeeding. If, having already fulfilled the mitzvah of having children, the woman foregoes her Onah rights, then it is permitted to annul. But when it is not fulfilled, if it is not due to her foregoing it, then since this is a legal requirement, the essence of Onah is that when he sees that his wife is trying him with words or quarreling with him, then he should understand whether this is because she desires marital relations more frequently. If so, then he is obligated to fulfill Onah.

While Onah is limited by the rabbis, that it should never be less [than the required level], this of course applies to someone who is physically health. But someone who is not healthy is not obligated to fulfill beyond what they are physically capable of withstanding. For a full-time torah student, whose Onah is obligated by law from shabbat to shabbat, I saw in the Will of Rabbi Yehudah the Pious from Prague, that he required of his students, twice on Shabbat. The essence is, all according to the individual, as we said above. Even in several circumstances when relations are ordinarily prohibited, such as during the daytime and so on, if (has v'shalom) one's Yetzer overpowers him, then he is permitted to relations of any kind (see Orach Chayim, at the start of Ch 241, and Aruch ha-Shulchan 26).

In any case, it is forbidden for a man to diminish his wife's Onah, and if he does it in order to trouble her, then he has violated a Negative Commandment, as the verse says, "her Onah he must not withhold." If he is incapable, then if his condition is appropriate for healing, she needs to wait until he has been healed. If not appropriate for healing, then wait for six months. If at that point she does not want to forego [her rights], then she goes out [from the marriage], and he gives her ketubah payment. He must not chain her [make her into an Agunah], and [until they are divorced] he transgresses every day a Negative Commandment.

[Note: my own rather sloppy translation, use at your own risk.]

(1871)...[translation and comments from Rabbi Marty Lockshin]

Despite his insistence that onah could not mean “fixed time,” Shadal defends the Mishnaic rabbis, and explains that the rabbis had a valid reason—protecting women’s rights—for legislating the frequency of sexual activity:

"The Torah did not enter into discussion of the endless details of these matters. The rabbis, as they do for other parts of the Torah, specified set [minimum] frequencies (Ketubbot 62a), such that if the husband diminished the frequency established for him according to his individual circumstances, his wife could bring a claim against him in court."

According to Shadal, the intention of the law of onah is to increase married women’s sexual gratification:

"In their wisdom and righteousness, the Rabbis saw that a woman is not just a tool; she was not created just for a man’s benefit and pleasure. Rather, a man and wife are partners who have willingly joined together to help one another in love and friendship.

"Not only were the rabbis careful to prevent a man from diminishing his wife’s due, but they were also careful about the finer details, that a man should not diminish his wife’s pleasure, as for instance if he said that [he would have intercourse with her only while] he wore his clothes and she wore hers, [then he must, if she wishes, divorce her and pay her ketubbah (Ketubbot 48a)]. How worthy is their statement concerning the reward due to men who restrain themselves (Niddah 31a–b) [and do not achieve orgasm too quickly]."

(17) Then she told him the same story, saying, “The Hebrew slave whom you brought into our house came to me to dally with me / have his sport with me / mock me / play around with me /

...

For the evil ones are in the domain of their hearts, while the righteous ones, their heart is in their domain and their hands.

I.e., when we're bad, we let our desires overpower us; when we're good, we're able to put our desires at the service of our conscience and our abilities.